I'm a better MOM.

I keep hearing women say they are better Mom's because they work.

When Tesla was 13 months old I started subbing for two days a week. Sometimes it was half days but it always added up to two days a week. Karl was finishing his last year of school and we had troubles making ends meet while living on 2 EI cheques for three months. We knew I had to return to work to pay off those bills. It killed me to leave Tesla, but after a few times it got easier. I would get to the school and start teaching. I love teaching! And the truth is after a while I didn't worry about Tesla or even think about her until it was time to pick her up.

After 6 months, I got a phone call for a full time position until the end of the school year. I had been standing in church the previous Sunday telling God about our finances and two days later got this phone call. 3 months of full time in a high school. I needed high school experience. I can't teach night school unless I have high school experience... that's why I was subbing. I took the job. I love teaching! I love teaching high school!

But always in the back of my mind I could never quite get away from feeling torn. I loved my job. I am good at my job but I have a responsibility to the one I brought into this world. Was I skipping out of my responsibility by leaving her in someone else's care? What a slippery slope... Tesla was fine for those days subbing and she would be fine for those 3 months. This was the first time I heard another women say she was a better mom because she worked.

The following year I worked part time in a different high school. Again I loved my job. I was pregnant with Anna and Tesla was in a good day home. Things were good. Except for the 3 hour battles to get Tesla into bed and the days when she was sick and we would toss a coin to see who would stay home with her and a few other things. I came home from work on March 15, a month before Anna was born and I took a long look at Tesla and I knew I had lost something. She had changed in the last year and I had missed it.

Recently I was watching Friday Night Lights and one of the characters was struggling to take her baby to daycare. I felt sick with anxiety just watching.

There are days when I know work would be easier. I don't enjoy playing Dora all day everyday. I'm not a great housewife... our house is a mess. But our kids are happier. What is best for me is not what is best for them. The night time battles have ended.

Tesla goes to preschool 4.5 hours a week. This gives me a chance to do some things for me and Tesla loves it. When women say they are better Mom's because they work I have to know more information before I can agree or disagree. The big question is how much do you work? If you are dropping your child off at 7 Am and picking them up at 5 and have them in bed by 7 Pm everyday, then I can not agree with you. You are not a better mom. I can say that because I have done it. You are a Mom who enjoys work. If you are a Mom who works a couple of days a week then maybe... if it gives you the break you need to play a better Dora I might be willing to listen to you.

Blogging

My Mom called me the other day. She told me I need to look at my cousin's blog to get some better ideas on what to write about. Mean while my friend Cal keeps telling me that my stories are so funny... that I should write them down and get them published. I'm not sure if he is really serious but as I told him "No one reads my blog so why would they read my book?" Which brings me back to my Mom's advice...

The truth is that if I wrote down all my opinions (because that's really what Cal thinks is so amusing) I won't have any friends or family left that would speak to me. Cal is married to my nearest and dearest friend so he gets everything... the unfiltered, unedited, completely unthoughtout verbal diarea from my mouth... actually from his wife's mouth which originated from mine. Maybe she puts a good spin on my stories... Maybe his wife should write down everything I say... Maybe she could make the millions...

It's under the bed

My husband loves Iron Maiden. He has the ugliest shirt to prove it. Last week he wore it Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

On Monday our daughter said "Daddy that's an ugly shirt. You should take it off."

On Tuesday I said "You wore that shirt yesterday. Isn't it dirty?"

On Wednesday I said "That's three days in a row. It might be time for a new shirt."

On Thurday I said nothing.

On Friday I was doing laundry and saw the shirt on the floor and I pushed it under the bed!

I start these wars and then I don't know how to finish them. Right now there are Iron Maiden pictures being left all over the house. His friends are sending me messages on Facebook. They are negotiating the return of the shirt. This is war and I'm going to have to figure out my next move.

Who is in Charge Here?

I'm finally ready to admit that I'm not really in charge. The last two days have made that crystal clear. Truthfully I should have known when we moved Tesla out of the crib. At that point she discovered that she could get out of bed on her own and proceeded to do it... a lot. I tried everything. One night I walked her back to bed 45 times in 25 minutes. I didn't say a word and it still didn't work. We even put a gate on her bedroom door since she could open her door. It takes a lot of work, time and energy to put Tesla to bed; nap times included.

When you have a baby they tell you to feed on demand. I wonder if this set us up to put them in charge. I mean really, right from birth we let them decide when they are going to sleep and eat. Anna, number two baby is completely mixed up. She likes to sleep all day and eat all night. The first nine weeks consisted of her crying from 2 to 3:30 am every night. She stopped that... but she still would prefer to eat during the night. At least twice a week I can't get her to eat between 7 am and 2 pm. So I decided that it's time to help sort her out or we could be in real trouble. They get more persistant the older they get. I've cut her night time feedings to 1 possibly 2. Realistically she should be able to sleep from 8 to 8 without a feeding. This is where is becomes clear that I'm not really in charge. If I was in charge, Tesla would go back to sleep at 6 am or she would play by herself until the rest of us got up. Instead on Monday morning she gets up... crying. I think Ok you're still tired. I offer her my bed. No. I offer her her bed. No. I offer her to sit quietly and read her books. No. If she wasn't sharing a room with Anna she would be in it crying by herself. Alas they share a room. Her Dad takes over. Great! Until he leaves for work at 6:20. More crying. Now I hear Anna stirring on the baby monitor. I have a talk with Tesla about not being the only one in the house and if she wants to be up fine but there are still people sleeping and she is not to wake them up with crying. It works!!! One point for me!!! Maybe I am in charge.

On to Anna. Last night I feed her at 8. I feed her at 11. She woke up at 12:30. I gave her a soother. She woke up at 2:00. I let her cry until Karl said are you going to get that? Not a chance. He got it because he was worried that Tesla would wake up. She woke up at 2:30. I rocked her and realized she isn't hungry just unsettled. Back to bed by 2:40. Tesla woke up at 4. Crying. Her blankets had fallen off and she was cold. Anna woke up at 4:30. I feed her. Tesla woke up at 7. Her Dad left for work at 7:20... so now I'm up. I haven't had 3 hours of sleep in a row for weeks and I know I'm not running this show.

So nap time today... Tesla has given up her naps. I still insist she sits in her room and reads books by herself for an hour. She always spends the last 20 minutes calling "Mom is it done?" Today I decide Tesla should nap. Her Dad and I are tired of the whining and know she is tired. If she has a nap we chase her to bed until 11:00. If she doesn't have a nap we have whining and crying from 3 until bed time. It's a tough transition. So I nurse Anna and put her to bed. I start reading to Tesla, thinking she might fall asleep while I read to her. That is until Anna started crying. Then I think maybe if I let Anna cry she will fall asleep again. Until it gets so bad I put the book down, burp Anna, feed her some more. Mean while Tesla is dancing around the room, having found her second wind. Why can't she go somewhere else? Why does she always want to be with me? Once Anna is asleep I finish Tesla's book. I tuck her into bed and successfully have her quiet, even while I rock Anna back to sleep. (Her sister woke her up when I convinced her to be quiet) 10 minutes later... Mom I have to go to the bathroom. It's legitimate. I tell her she can read books quietly in her room. Which she is doing right now. Her sister is asleep in the same room.

For 2 whole minutes I was in charge. The battle was fought and I won. In 10 more minutes quiet time will be over and it will start again.

Stupid Passwords

So I've been trying to update my blog... since I do it so frequently I have to reset my password everytime I try to log on. Last time I was on, blogger forced me to use their updated version and then I was done. I spent an hour last night trying to remember what my new email address was, my user name, and of course my password.

My employer forces everyone to change their password every three months. Every new password must contain a capital letter, some symbol and a number. It must be more than 6 characters long and not used in the past. Try it. Try coming up with 4 passwords (enough for a year) that fit this criteria and you will remember them. A collegue of mine makes a good point. In their attempt to increase security they have probably decreased it since we all have a list of passwords written down on a piece of paper in our desk or beside our computer.

I better go write down my blogger password before I forget it. You will find it on a piece of paper beside my computer.